Manners and the Family

Author: wilson-admin-main

Manners and the Family

Posted on by wilson-admin-main

Today I want to write about something that I myself am guilty of to some extent and something I personally am working on.  As it turns out it is something that other families have run into with one or more persons within their family.  The subject is manners.

Now growing up, we learn to say “please”, “thank you” and “excuse me”.  This is using manners.  Not picking your nose in public, not belching or farting in public, not being disruptive — yelling, screaming etc, not saying gross things (most of the subject of comedy I might add), not leaving messes.  These are all bad manners.  But what are manners really?

I remember one of my first jobs.  I had a boss who was from Ireland.  One day after work we were chatting about different cultures and she told me this story of a young man who was invited to a very refined home for dinner. This young man came from a rural type culture and started to eat his peas with his knife.  The other people at the table looked at him with disdain, but the host smiled, picked up his knife and ate his peas with his knife too and started to talk to the man about his culture.  After telling me this story she said that manners consisted of making a person feel comfortable and welcomed — not different.  It was the first time I ever heard “manners” explained in such a way.  I thought about this and felt this was probably correct.

Years later I read something a friend of mine wrote breaking down “manners” and delineating exactly what manners are:  honoring the customs of an area, allowing others to be themselves without criticism (granting beingness), and good two way communication.  Ordering people about with very little affinity towards them or in ways they cannot agree is not good two-way communication.  Disregarding what someone says and ignoring them or blowing them off is making little of the person, not granting them beingness, and again not using good two-way communication.

OK – so as children we kind of get the idea of this, even if not explained with so much detail.  We get it well enough to know that if we act the wrong way in public we will not be received well, we will not be helped, we will not survive as well.

In the confines of their own homes, however….. parents as well as children feel they can “let their hair down” sort to speak.  At home we are sometimes tired and cranky and while out in the world we might curb and restrain our crankiness, at home we think it is OK to let it fly!

Let’s examine this for a minute though:  Out in the world we are encountering strangers or people who are less responsible for our survival; certainly those who don’t have as much love and desire for the responsibility of us as our parents and brothers and sisters do.  Yet these are the people that we are more likely to be angrily ordering about, ignoring, speaking disrespectfully to etc.  I see this often.  To the teacher, store clerk and the friend’s mother, even when we don’t feel like it we keep our manners in check.  To mom and dad or to our children, we order them about sometimes with annoyance (or in boredom at best) when we are tired and hungry or distracted.  And something that seems to have become more prevalent in this day and age is kids cussing and blowing off their parents.

Isn’t this odd?  The people we love and care for the most, the people we depend upon most for our survival are the people we are disrespecting.  Is it because manners can’t be maintained all of the time and we all just big phoneys until we get home?  Is it because we are undisciplined?  Is it because we think our parents owe us the things they provide for us and so it doesn’t matter?  What is this?

If manners truly are the way we gain cooperation and joy with and from one another then why would we act any other way even if we are tired or hungry or angry?  It doesn’t really make sense.

If we look at a family as “a team that is working for and with each other toward the goal of each member finding and achieving their purpose and joy in life against the obstacles of the world and outside forces”, then you can see that cooperating with one another, keeping each other informed with good two-way communication and using manners with one another is as important than maintaining it with anyone else. Maybe more so.

And to me, this is what we need to teach our children about manners more than anything.  This is what we need to practice ourselves as parents and in doing so become their example of manners.

Many teens today seem to be operating off of false information about this.  I don’t know if it was an idea forwarded by the late 1960′s that it is OK to disrespect and distrust people over thirty and somehow that continued to be promoted, or if it is the content of situation comedies we see on television, but I see and hear them talking disrespectfully to their parents when I am out and about.

As I mentioned, when I am tired or hungry, my daughter has pointed out that I have sometimes been a little too curt when giving her direction or asking her to help out.  We are working on that.  And that is my point: families should work on this problem together.  Children should be given the correct information about what is and is not manners, not just examples of what and what not to do.  They need to know the reason behind it and the mechanics of it.  And adults need to honor that “manners” is not just something we enforce with our kids or use with strangers but also use with everyone at all times.  If we did, we would not only have happier families but we would have a happier world!

For more exact information on this and drills on applying this information contact Mace-Kingsley Family Center at 727-442-3922.

Tantrums: Round 2

Posted on by wilson-admin-main

Let’s say you have handled the sleep issue but you are still experiencing tantrums at home. So now let’s look at the next most basic cause of this situation: diet.

The next thing I find most “out” that is also the most unknown has to do with diet.
Most people I work with have an idea of what a “balanced diet” is. I also know that with the hectic pace of our modern, busy lives and the temptations of packaged foods, what appears to be a “balanced diet” often is not so.

Let me explain further: Besides the fact that most canned and packaged foods are loaded with preservatives and chemicals, they are often “enhanced” flavor-wise with High Fructose Corn Syrup, fructose, dextrose, glucose, aspartame, sucrolose and other sweeteners. The only sweeter I know of that does not raise the glycemic (blood sugar) index at all is Stevia extract. Agave syrup is another sweetener that is notable in that its glycemic index and gycemic load is not very high. The syrup naturally contains quantities of iron, calcium, potassium & magnesium which contribute to the resulting color.

Otherwise all other sweeteners raise the blood sugar levels rapidly causing a flood of insulin to be dumped into the body, frequently more than is needed. The result is an immediate peak of energy (sometimes appearing to be hyper-activity) and about 45 minutes to an hour later, there is a dramatic drop in blood sugar which can make a person feel bad and act cranky!

The next and most important factor of diet has to do with the amount of protein a human body needs to grow, build, rebuild and heal. We have a tendency to go through our day and if we eat some eggs in the morning, a burger mid day and some form of meat during our dinner, we are good to go. Some prefer to ”cover” their need for protein with milk and cheese and assume they have eaten enough. However, if you or your child is eating a sugary cereal, pop tart, toaster strudel, pancake etc. for breakfast and fries and carbs at lunch, followed by spaghetti at dinner, then there is a problem.

Once again, the exact amounts of how much protein is actually needed and how to figure out how to get the sufficient amount is known to very few people. A friend of mine pointed that out to me when I was having a little trouble with my daughter. He passed some information to me which I will share with you now. This data I am providing came from the “About.com” site on the Internet but you can search for Protein Daily Requirements to do your own research. Here is the abbreviated data below:

How to Calculate Your Protein Needs:

1. a. Weight in pounds divided by 2.2 = weight in kg
b. Weight in kg x 0.8-1.8 gm/kg = protein gm.

2. Use a lower number if you are in good health and are sedentary. Use a higher number (between 1 and 1.8) if you are under stress, are pregnant, are recovering from an illness, or if you are involved in consistent and intense weight or endurance training.

Example: 154 lb male who is a regular exerciser and lifts weights
154 lbs/2.2 = 70kg
70kg x 1.5 = 105 gm protein/day

Now how would you figure out if you were getting this amount? You would have to read the package for how many grams of protein per serving there are in the item you are eating, multiply that by the number of servings and there you have it. Also there are articles and books that have this data for foods like an egg or for so many ounces of fish or meat, etc. Just keep track through the day. Of course keep in mind that red meat and eggs are the only two sources of B12 therefore if you do not eat red meat or at least one egg a day you need to supplement this vitamin.

The reason I am bringing this up is that most children and teens coming to me often are eating all kinds of things and few know the exact amount of protein they are getting. When I get them or their parents to list out what they eat in a day, I find they are eating a lot of carbs, sweeteners, some protein and some dairy. When we add up the amount of protein, it is often not enough for their growing bodies.

To give you a more graphic idea, one brand of cereal (not too sugary) that I looked at had 8 grams of sugar but only 2 grams of protein per serving. A 25 oz serving of Macaroni & Cheese had 6 grams of sugar and 9 grams of protein. A serving of chicken nuggets (4 nuggets) had no sugar and 14 grams of protein. That’s not bad since most kids I know eat eight or more nuggets. A cup of spinach has 1 gram of sugar and 2 grams of protein. Green beans (1 cup) have 1 gram of sugar and 2 grams of protein. One package of Oatmeal (pre-prepared with sugar) had 14 grams of sugar to 4 grams of protein.

There is more data on why protein is so important to keeping a stable, happier emotional tone that you can request here, or by emailing us at [email protected]. I encourage you to request this data.

By ensuring your child’s body is getting all the necessary requirements needed to keep it energized and growing well, you are thereby ensuring that their body will not be nagging at them, making them feel uncomfortable and irritable, resulting in tantrums.

Wishing you joy with your family,
Diane DiGregorio Norgard
Mace-Kingsley Family Center
727-442-3922

All About Tantrums…

Posted on by wilson-admin-main

OK, today I am going to write about something that we have heard a lot about, all agree with and yet when parents bring their children to see me almost one for one this point is violated.  It is violated in ourselves as well, which I suppose justifies it somewhat.  You can research it anywhere on the Internet, in the library, in medical journals and more.  I’ve not met one person that disagrees with the data.  It has been proven to be the cause of depression, foggy and slow thinking, sometimes hyperactivity, weight gain, dental problems, heart problems, as well as a long list of other things I don’t remember at the moment.  And it is a big cause of TANTRUMS!

Have you guessed what it is yet?  Yep, insufficient sleep.  I researched the subject many years ago, long before the subject was so popular because my son, who was a “night owl” just could not fall asleep before midnight even when he would lie in bed quietly for hours.  It seemed we tried everything.  The result was that he was a constant problem in school.  In desperation I ended up home schooling as letting him sleep later caused all those problems to just vanish.

Now many people do not have children who are “night owls” and yet today when parents come in for help with their children’s tantrums it usually starts with this.  So what is the problem here?  Well I have found that several things have come into play.  First, most parents have not been educated in the subject of sleep and how much a human body needs at each age.  I know that sounds crazy, I mean our parent’s never gave us this data and probably didn’t even have this data.  They just did what their parents did or were observant about the children looking or acting tired.  But now let’s exam this: Parents of the 1940′s-1965ish didn’t have as much media access and indoctrination as we do today.  Now, I am going to confess that I too have been guilty of some of the things I am discussing here.  And I am not trying to make TV and computers the evil of all evils but (and I know I am revealing something about my age here) when I was a kid I remember that on weeknights at 12:00 midnight the stations went off the air! They did!  If you are around my age you will remember that, if you are not you are shocked now, right?Even if you had a TV in your house most people only watched it for a hour or two.  The Television was never on when we ate.  When we got together with friends we talked, played cards and games, went swimming, we seldom sat around and watched TV or movies together.

Today, the television and movies and even computers have become a babysitter.  The kids have become used to watching it.  They have favorite shows that they “can’t” miss.  Some of the shows come on later and later.  Or they start a movie a little too late and then we give in and let them watch the last little bit (sometimes an hour past their bed time which is already an hour later than they should be going to bed to have a well rested body because parents don’t know the correct information).  While TV and computers aren’t always the source they are the most common ones.

When a human body is tired it starts to drain our energy. The unconscious part of the mind that contains all the pain and confusions of life tends to pull in on us.  (In fact a great new DVD has been released about just that subject and you can find out more about that at www.macekingsley.com.)  Because of this we find ourselves no longer in the present moment.  Everything becomes too close, too raw and it doesn’t take much to snap.  We are not getting our way, we are not getting what we intended and instead of analytically and logically communicating to work our way around the obstacles we break– we throw a tantrum.  OK, well in adults we don’t usually call it that, for adults I suppose it is “we just lose our tempers”:  guess what?  Same thing.  So of course, for a child whose body is still growing and using so much more energy the same thing will happen.

So let me help you out here.  I am going to give you the researched number of hours a human body should sleep at most ages. I won’t give you them  all because I find that most parents do very well with infants and babies.  It is usually about the time they turn three or four that the problem starts.  Now don’t be shocked.  Here they are:

Years:Hours of sleep needed:Bedtime (if child wakes up at around 7am):
3 years:12 hours (11 hours + 1 hour nap)07:00:00 PM
4 years:11 ½ hours (usually nap has been dropped out)07:30:00 PM
5 years:11 hours08:00:00 PM
6 years:10 ¾ hours08:15:00 PM
7 years:10 ½ hours08:30:00 PM
8 years:10 ¼ hours08:45:00 PM
9 years:10 hours09:00:00 PM
10 years:9 ¾ hours09:15:00 PM
11 years:9 ½ hours09:30:00 PM
12 years:9 ¼ hours09:45:00 PM
13 years:9 ¼ hours09:45:00 PM
14 years:9 hours10:00:00 PM
15 years:8 ¾ hours10:15:00 PM
16 years:8 ½ hours10:30:00 PM
17 years:8 ¼ hours10:45:00 PM
18 years:8 ¼ hours10:45:00 PM

Now for those of you who keep this in religiously of course you are saying:  It’s a no brainer!  But for the majority of the people out there I know you are now in a panic and thinking no way!  “Asking me to get my 13 year old to bed by 9:45 when they want to finish watching whatever show they are watching or are in the middle of some computer game is just not going to happen.” Well, while it is true that the world and the technology has changed rapidly I am sorry to say the human body just hasn’t changed that much.  So please don’t shoot me I am just the messenger.  However, if it is any consolation our parents did it so we should be able to do it as well.  Steal yourselves and start with educating you child on these points.  Get them to note how they feel when they are well rested and compare it against how they feel when they are not.  Then work together to get them to make the correct decision to get to bed at a reasonable time.  Make a game of it.  Reward them for doing it!  And if that fails call Mace-Kingsley Family Center and we will give you more tools to help you.

I guarantee you that once they are getting a sufficient amount of sleep for their bodies their lives and yours will be much easier.  In fact you might be shocked at the difference in how well you are getting along, how much more rational they are (and you if you are getting it in for yourself) and how many less tantrums are occurring in the household.

Try it and let me know how it goes!

Diane DiGregorio Norgard

Mace-Kingsley Family Center

727-442-3922

Why Wait?

Posted on by wilson-admin-main

I want to make a clarification about the type of counseling I do.  I use a very specific, observably workable method of counseling that is directed specifically to improving the abilities of an individual.  The counseling is geared to finding what the goal of the individual is, getting their ideas about what they think they can do and improving that on a gradient scale by removing any failure to confront, barriers and disabilities in the area.  On a gradient scale the techniques are used to bring the individual to being more creative and causative over his own actions and life.

I have found that in regards to children and teens, even amongst those people who are well familiar with these particular techniques, parents tend to wait until a child is troubled and upset or causing upset for themselves and their family.  Of course, the counseling will handle those conditions.  And then what?  Once those conditions are handled usually the child or teen is placed right back into the same situations that created those conditions.  Perhaps an analogy of this would be helping someone to get well with an antibiotic but not teaching the child how to stay well by educating them in hygiene and proper nutrition.

Many of the children and teens who have availed themselves of this technology (well before they were liable to have trouble) rarely do currently get into trouble.  I have found them to be, as teens, more responsible and acting as true leaders involved in their school counsels and in community projects. The trouble they now might get into has less to do with drugs and borderline criminal activities than it does with taking on too much responsibility and then dropping things out.  This is not to say they do not have fun or are not “teens,” but they are generally one for one, more responsible.

The younger children are calmer, communicate better and less prone to illness and nervousness.

So I always have to wonder, why wait?  If you were to research it and know that this technology truly is workable, not because anyone told you so but because you tried and witnessed it for yourself in some capacity, then why would you wait for trouble before you start your child? Why not help them find their true purpose, improve their abilities in communication, their ability to be more easily educated, their ability to confront life and life’s situations NOW.  Wouldn’t that be more important than any Wii or computer type games, I Pods, designer clothes or an expensive cell phone?

Well, check it out for yourself in this site.  Really examine it, as only you can truly answer that question.  You have to really know what the technology is from reading it and understanding it, not just being told about it by me or any other source than the actual author himself.

Do so and you might be amazed at the miracles you will see in your children and yes, even yourselves!

Wishing you joy,

Diane DiGregorio Norgard

Mace-Kingsley Family Center

727-442-3922

The Subtle Invalidation Of Children

Posted on by wilson-admin-main

The definition of invalidation is: refuting or degrading or discrediting or denying something someone else considers to be fact.  Basically it is no attention.  It actually acts as force and is equivalent to being struck.

I have seen invalidation take a couple of different forms.  The first is obvious:  Loud outright words and actions that let someone know they are wrong!  The recipient of this force should be doing things the way the person sending the force wants, whether the other is in agreement or not.  It is outright bullying.

The second form is more subtle and insidious.  It is the smiling, “helpful” criticism, the lack of attention or dismissal of something important to another.

Children and teens are particularly susceptible to invalidation in ways we as adults do not recognize.  Because we are not standing in their shoes and “being” them we just fail to see it.  But in counseling, this comes up as a problem for a lot of kids, which is why I am addressing it now.  Mind you, we can all be guilty of this one, even kids and teens themselves with each other.

Let me give you some examples of this so you can perhaps recognize it better in the future:

I will start with one I myself was guilty of.  I love my kids so much and I am so happy to have them in my life. I enjoyed playing with them when they were little.  They were so cute that sometimes when they came to me really angry about something, their mannerisms, and sometimes even the words they were using, to me seemed above the vernacular of their age level and would make me smile!  Or they would say a word wrong and it would make me laugh.  But they were angry!!!!!!! At four years old my daughter pointed out to me just how invalidating this was.  She felt I wasn’t taking her seriously and I was making light of her upset.  I was shocked!  Here I was feeling so much love for her that it brought a smile to my face but to her it was literally a slap in the face.  When I put myself in her shoes I realized how bad that would make me feel.  So from that time on, I worked hard to listen to her rather than “observe her” so I could really get what she was saying.  Was I always successful?  I don’t know, I guess we can ask her, but the point is that the invalidation was inadvertent and unintentional and definitely unrecognized.

Another one that comes up with teens sometimes is that they want to talk to their parents about their feelings for some guy or some girl or even perhaps the loss of a friend.  Adults, having been through all that and on the other side of it, tend often to make light of it.  Or if it is approaching a subject they themselves don’t feel comfortable with, try to side step it.  This leaves the teen with the feeling of “no attention given”, “I don’t matter,” or “no help”.  Some actually express feeling badly. The person they feel should be helping them the most, their parent, is the last person they can turn to!

If this happens enough, they go out of communication, hang on to their secrets and fears, and turn elsewhere for answers.

The last one I will point out is something you might hear your children and their friends do with each other.  Children like to share their wins and accomplishments.  It is joyful and it is a pleasure to get acknowledged for their successes.  But sometimes in doing this you will witness the “one up-man ship” invalidation.  Someone gives a win then the next child tells how his or her own accomplishment is better or more important.  Whether it is intentional or not is not the issue any more at that point.  The fact is the win is now invalidated and the child feels bad.  They might not even know why exactly, they just don’t feel happy any more.

There are probably a million little subtle ways kids can be invalidated.  Rather than always look for it, the best way to address and handle it is to: 1) just always be attentive, present and listen well.  2) Acknowledge appropriately all communication given.  3) If there is a handling needed that you don’t know how to address or don’t feel comfortable addressing, then tell them so and then find the answers together.  Or bring them to a place you trust to have the correct answers such as Mace-Kingsley Family Center.  4) And when you hear children besting each other with their accomplishments feel free to step in and make sure each child is accepting and acknowledging each other’s wins.

To get the exact technology on this subject of invalidation:  what it is and how to handle the upsets, stress and fears that can result from it, please feel free to contact Mace-Kingsley Family Center at 727-442-3922.

Happy 90th Birthday!

Posted on by wilson-admin-main

My mom had her 90th Birthday last month. She didn’t want people to know how old she was because her 80 year old friends would think she was old.

So don’t tell.

She still lives in her home with two cats, a crippled dog and a bird. We have three ladies who come throughout the day to help her with whatever she needs. The evening home care lady takes my mom and her dog for a walk around the block holding on to my mom on one hand and bridging the other to hold the leash on the dog. It is quite a sight as they make this trek.

Her goal is to make it to 96 and I believe she will make it.

Goals are a funny thing. If you make them big enough they will usually last for many years as a goal. I know sometimes when the family is talking about their common goals for group survival the desired objective may be something immediate and temporary… like a trip to Disney World or a new TV. But as the discussion continues I have seen their originations turn to lasting goals such as having happiness and love in the family.

Families are individuals coming together for survival and common goals. A family can be strengthened by sharing their goals, letting each member of the family say what they are doing to help each of the other family members. Take turns and listen to what each member feels they are doing to help the others. Then again taking turns, validate each of the others for what they are doing to help the individual. Sometimes one of the family members is being helped and the one helping doesn’t even know he is creating that kind of effect.

It is like an awakening of what is really happening in the family, what the various hats are and how each family member is contributing to make it all work. Knowing that you have a hat in the family and can do the functions of that hat is what gives the individual a feeling of belonging. Especially for children.

It was quite a shock for one family I was helping when their boy discovered he had two main hats; he was a son and he was a Big Brother. All of a sudden he was valuable and important to the group. The rebellion that he had been entertaining dropped away. He explained to me what a son’s job was and that he wanted his parents to be proud of him. He detailed what the job of a Big Brother was. His little brother was listening and becoming aware of more to their relationship than the teasing and competition. They had care for each other. They had love for each other. Stating it made it more real.

I love helping people achieve their goals. Total Freedom is one of those BIG GOALS that has enduring value. It is a big enough goal that all parts of one’s life can align to achieving it. Thanks be to L. Ron Hubbard that we have a The Bridge through which we can achieve it.

It is one of my goals, to help beings to be free and to be free myself.

I have learned very much about the family and goals from reading the book, “CHILD DIANETICS”, by L. Ron Hubbard. In fact the ideas I discussed above about how to bring a family together are laid out in the Introduction of this book. Each paragraph of the Introduction is an education on family and children, stated simply and with common sense.

Read it for yourself. Even if you don’t have children, you have a family of some sort and it still applies.

As you create your future for you and your family, may you all Flourish and Prosper in what you do. Dream your dreams and make them real. Be Free.

Happy Birthday, Mom. And may you have many more.

Carol Kingsley