Even More on Gaining Control

Tag: communication

Even More on Gaining Control

Posted on by wilson-admin-main

Today I want to share something I learned from Carol Kingsley more than twenty years ago.  To give you a little more background on this subject, I am going to tell you that I grew up in a very Italian family.  By nature, Italians tend to be very loving, emotional people. While that is a generality, by my observation I’d have to say that is mostly true.  In my family it was not uncommon to see within a half-hour period my mother sternly asking me to get a chore done, yelling at my laziness, then kissing me and praising me for my accomplishment, then yelling again at my sister, then hugging her and sitting her down to quietly teach her something, then more yelling (I’m not really sure why)…, etc, etc. etc.  There is just a lot of emotion in my family and we are definitely loud in our praise and in our disappointments.  This is the background I came from and the example I had.

So when my son was little and when his friends were around, if it got loud I got louder.  I seldom managed to get control in.  I decided, “I am just better with older kids and teens,” and left it at that.

Then one day Carol Kingsley did a special seminar for the children in my area.  I had heard about Carol and her successes with children, so I thought, “I really want my son to attend this lecture.” He was six years old.

I had time on my hands and so I stayed to listen to the lecture myself in case I could learn something, and learn something I did.  As the children became more loud and animated Carol became more calm and quiet until she was almost whispering.  Immediately the children quieted down and I could see that it became easier for her to maintain order.  To be honest, when watching it I couldn’t quite see what it was she did that actually caused them to quiet down. I just saw them become calmer and listen to her.  So when the lecture was over, I just had to find out what it was she did exactly.  I made it a point to go over to talk to her.

Carol is very approachable and was happy to spend a minute or two with me to answer my questions.  She obviously cared.  I explained the trouble I had in this area and how I had seen her gain control so easily and asked her how she did that.  She asked me, “What did you observe?” I told her exactly what I wrote above.  Then she answered, “That is how I did it.”  I was confused; I still didn’t recognize it.  So she patiently explained to me that the louder and wilder children get, the calmer and quieter you become.  If you are talking low they stop what they are doing to listen more carefully, they are interested because they are curious as to what you are saying.  So they calm and quiet down to listen.  If you then use good communication that is full of affinity, care and love with no doubt that your requests will be complied with, they will follow through. If you are willing to handle any objections- again with good communication, acknowledging their communications and objections to you, then all will go exactly the way you intend it to go.

The idea that I could get compliance without yelling was a little unreal to me.  Honestly I was still convinced it was just a “Carol” thing; like she had some hidden technology or magic that I did not have.  But I promised I would try it, so I did.  Now I have to tell you, how a person gets something to work when one is so convinced it won’t is a mystery to me, but work it did.  The next time my son and his friends were “out of control”, I came into the room and calmly talked very low.  Immediately they stopped their very wild playing to listen to me.  I handed them something else to do and gave them all a snack.  Order was regained and the children had more fun in their play.  I was shocked!  Surely it was a fluke.  I tried it again and again and each time it worked.

Now do I always remember to use that?  Well, I’m sure my daughter will be the first to tell you I am still very “Italian” in my approach to parenting, but then I will remember to use it eventually. Professionally I always use it with great success.

Since that time I have become much more educated in the exact technology Carol uses to handle children and adults.  I have found that there are no hidden secrets or magic really.  She just had access to a very workable technology. You too have access to this technology if you just ask.  For more information about this or for help with your family situations do contact Mace-Kingsley Family Center at 727-442-3922 or [email protected].

Wishing you miracles,

Diane DiGregorio Norgard

Mace-Kingsley Family Center

Literalness

Posted on by wilson-admin-main

Today I would like to write about something that, while it’s the basis of a lot of comedy, is also the distress of a lot of adults/parents.  It is something that comes up frequently.  It is the need for awareness and understanding of how confusing the English language is, especially for a young child.

As adults we talk around our children all the time, we assume that to a great degree they will “get”  what we are saying to them (or around them) based on the context of what we are saying, our facial expressions, and the intonation of our voices.  But in fact, the majority of the words in the English language have many different definitions.  Then there are idioms and phrases and colloquialisms that make communication a truly tricky business.  In fact I have often wondered if the only reason we truly understand anyone is a matter more of telepathy than the words sent and received.

For children this presents a particular problem.  Children often tend to listen and take communication literally.  Parents not understanding this often mistake the child’s confusions for non-compliance, disobedience, lack of caring and disrespect.

Let me give you some graphic examples of this:

Many years ago a friend of mine had a 6 yr old son who was often sent to the principal’s office for behavioral problems.  The parents finally found the source of the problem and got this corrected.  However, after his many chats with the principal the young boy felt he had found a friend and would sometimes go to his friend’s office to chat.  The principal usually allowed this as he had become fond of the boy.  Then one day after 7 months of good behavior the boy’s parents got called into the school as the boy was throwing a tantrum and causing a ruckus.  To make this story shorter, I will cut to the chase here.

The boy’s upset turned out to be that on this particular day when he went to visit his friend, the principal looked up from his paperwork and said, “I can’t see you now,” and sent the boy on his way.

After much discussion and string pulling the boy blurted out,  “But he was lying!  He said he could not see me and he was looking right at me!”

Another source of concern for some parents is a child who wets.  On one particular occasion I checked for all the normal things:  Does the child have difficulty getting his/her pants down in time? Is the potty in question too tall or scary in some way? Does the flushing frighten the child?  Can the child find the bathroom easily?  Can the child turn the light on easily?  Has the child been trained to wipe properly etc.  In cases of potty difficulties it can be any or all of these.  But in some cases (especially girls and women) there is an issue with muscle control.  So my question was:  “What happens when you have to go to the bathroom and you ask to go?” And the child’s answer was that most times she was allowed to go but sometimes she is asked to hold it.  So I asked what did that mean and the answer very sweetly was, “I don’t know.”

In this case I explained to her there was an exercise she could do and that I would get her mom to help her with it.  The mom was called and told about a well-known exercise that women are often referred to in order to help strengthen a weak muscle that can cause leakage.

In each of the cases above you can see it was the literalness of the language that was causing confusion for the child, but the adults didn’t catch it. They became upset, sometimes disciplined the child, much to the dismay of the child.  So just on the off chance that things said around the child might not have been fully understood, here is my suggestion:  when you say things to your child and they are blatantly not complying and this is becoming a source of trouble in your worlds, before you do anything else please stop a minute to have a conversation with your child.  Find out their understanding of what you are asking them to do.  If you are absolutely certain that they have a clear understanding of what you have asked, then fine – go to the next level of giving them more data, discipline, rewards and penalties, whatever is needed.  However, if you find that there is an obvious misunderstanding or no understanding at all, of course patiently and honestly handle the confusion.

At Mace-Kingsley we are well trained in working with children and families.  We are here to help you.  If you find yourself beside yourself when dealing with your children (of any age), please do contact us at 727-442-3922.

Letter from the Senior Case Supervisor

Posted on by wilson-admin-main

Welcome to the 49th installment of the Letter from the Case Supervisor. Once again, I’m Greg Smith, Senior Case Supervisor of Mace-Kingsley Family Center, New OT® VIII, Golden Age of Tech® Class VI Auditor and Class V Graduate C/S.

In reviewing the wonderful book “Scientology 8008″ by LRH® I came across some data which is very pertinent and useful in the raising of children. It is from the chapter entitled“Communication”:

LRH says, “Communication, however, is far more important than affinity or reality. For it is the operation, the action, by which one experiences emotion and by which one agrees. Communication is not only the modus operandi, it is the heart of life and is by thousands of percent the senior in importance to affinity and reality.” (page 283)

Later on in the same chapter he writes, “Further, one is as responsible as one can communicate. One is not responsible for that with which he cannot communicate.” (page 285)

Ever have any trouble with your kids fighting with you or amongst themselves? Here are the exact reasons why they are doing so and not taking responsibility for each other!

“But,” you say, “How do you get them to communicate better so their responsibility level rises and they stop fighting with each other and with me? Aha! Well, see what LRH says about this later in this same chapter: “There are many levels of communication. The best is self-determined communication by postulate containing no effort. But any is better than none.” (page 285)

I’m sure using your imagination you can come up with fresh new ways to get your kids to communicate. Talk to them, have them touch things, shake their hand. This is all valid ways to communicate and will eventually, if continued, lead them up toward the ideal of “self-determined communication by postulate containing no effort.”

Backing this up LRH writes earlier in the chapter: “How does one communicate? A method of permissible communication is via MEST. One places his ability into hands, eyes, etc., and by sound waves, light particles and others, communicates.” (page 285)

Try it! Run into a situation where your kid is mum, not saying anything, in expressed resentment. Try shaking his hand, rubbing his back. Open up the communication with him or with her on any level and it will eventually soar upward.

OK! Fun stuff! Send me your wins and applications; I love to hear them!

Hope to see you all soon!

Love,

Greg Smith

Mace-Kingsley Senior Case Supervisor