wilson-admin-main - Mace Kingsley

Data on Control and Kids

Posted on August 8, 2012 by wilson-admin-main

About 15 years ago I was in the grocery store. Having picked up what I needed, I was lined up at the checkout behind a lady who had a full cart and a little boy who looked about 4 years old. As she started unloading her cart onto the belt, the little boy reached for the gum and chocolate displayed within convenient reach. “Mom, can I have some of THAT?”

We all know that having candy available right next to the checkout is a diabolical scheme set up specifically to lure small children and annoy their parents into making purchases they otherwise wouldn’t consider. But in this case, Mom held firm. “Look, we have a roast and your favorite veggies and even some ice cream for dessert. Grandma and Grandpa are coming over for a special dinner. So no candy today.”

I swear to you that at this point, the little boy was fine. He’d asked, Mom had answered. But then she added one little word. She said, “Okay?”

There were a couple of beats of silence as the little boy considered his options. I watched in fascination as the wheels turned in his head. Mom had now asking for his OPINION. So it seemed like she wanted to know if it was okay with him if he missed out on the candy. And of course he said: “NO! I want the candy!!”

It seemed to the mom that her boy was giving her a hard time, so she told him again, “No candy… “…Okay?”

Needless to say, after this the two did not see eye to eye. The little boy screamed, Mom scolded. Bribery from the harassed checkout lady didn’t work, because by now the little boy knew that not only was he not going to have any of that candy, but also that Mom could care less what he thought. After all, she kept asking for his opinion, he kept telling her and she kept right on ignoring him!! Geez! (I could imagine him thinking – just wait until I’m a teenager, I’ll show you!)

L. Ron Hubbard says this about control:
“You are stating a greater truth when you say that control is predictable change than if you say control is start, change and stop because start and stop are, of course, necessary to change. You might say the thinking or philosophic definition would be predictable change.” (From Lecture on March 10th 1957, Referenced in the Technical Dictionary)

The bottom line is that beings really don’t “natively” fight good control. Control applied with firmness and kindness is a relief. But the silly mechanical additive of “okay?” without any meaning behind it can wreak havoc with good, predictable, control. In the above story, if the mom had gone ahead and given her boy the candy she had told him he could choose about, that would’ve been fine. She would have respected his opinion. But by adding “okay?” at the end of a COMMAND instead of simply stating what she wanted, she left her boy confused and angry.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this one little word, this one little faux pas, plays a large part in the rebellion we feel is “normal” in teenagers today. Because if you grow up being “told” day in and day out that your parents don’t care what you think, why should you care what they think?

Mr. Hubbard continues on the subject of control and children:
“How would you like to be pulled and hauled and ordered about and restrained from doing whatever you wanted to do? You’d resent it. The only reason a child “doesn’t” resent it is because he’s small. You’d half murder somebody who treated you, an adult, with the orders, contradiction and disrespect given to the average child.” (From How To Live With Children, Scientology Handbook.)

So there you have it; the subject of controlling children is really not that difficult. It starts with the small things, the mechanical things that, mishandled, can blow up into huge problems. I’ll go over more aspects of good control and children in coming articles, but this is the simple starting point: make sure your commands really are commands.

ML,

Sandy Mesmer
Mace-Kingsley Family Center

(25 years working with Children)

727-442-3922

My Kids Are All Grown

Posted on July 21, 2012 by wilson-admin-main

Today I want to bring something up that comes across my lines a lot! When I talk to people about where I work (Mace-Kingsley Family Center) something I hear often from people with adult children is: “My kids are all grown.” This makes me think that perhaps there is a misconception about what we do at Mace-Kingsley.

We are in fact a “Family Center”. Our goal is bringing families together to work in a coordinated fashion to help each individual member achieve their personal goals as a team. Families who work together like this (and yes, there are some) enjoy each other better and generally survive better.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times my family and friends talk about their adult children, their worries about them, their desire to help them better, sometimes even when they are doing well. Mothers and fathers want to guide their daughters and sons to make the most pro-survival career choices, to parent their grandchildren better, and to handle the ever-changing body as it goes through pregnancy, injury or illness and aging, etc. And they try to maneuver all this in a non-meddling way; successful or not, that is usually their intention. There is no greater hurt to a parent than to watch their child (even at 50) to suffer in any way. There is also no greater joy to know and be acknowledged for their help.

Another area of family is our aging parents: How do we best help them? How do we grant them the dignity and respect they deserve when they are perhaps forgetting who we are, what we said to them ten seconds ago, having bathroom accidents and just being unreasonably impossible? They were there for us through all the growing pains, all the education, all the crazy teenage years. They loaned us money to get that car we so needed, or that mismanaged money that caused that expensive overdraft, or maybe to get our college education and our first house. How can we be there for them now, without wanting to abandon them! I mean, we have work and kids and causes to handle. I have seen more upset and trauma caused to a family because we don’t know what to do or handle our parents once they become dependent.

But Mace-Kingsley is a Family Center and we have a specific, workable technology to help with all of that. It is true we are best known for helping babies, children and teens, but we are a full service family center and there is a technology to help handle all of the above. It would be too long for me to go into all of this now, but I encourage you to contact us at 727-442-3922 or [email protected] to find out more. We are here to help you achieve all your goals, and especially for you to have a happy life with a happy family!

Discipline

Posted on July 4, 2012 by wilson-admin-main

When my daughter turned eleven, I learned a very interesting thing about discipline from my friend, co-worker and author Sandy Mesmer. Besides being an author of children’s books and raising the cutest dogs ever (she’s a prize-winning breeder of Silky Terriers), Sandy is an excellent parent consultant, counselor and public speaker on the subject of children and parenting.

At that point, my daughter and I were going through a terrible time. I mentioned my frustration in this to Sandy. Children and teens love me, I’ve always worked well with them, and yet here I was at constant odds with my daughter. Admittedly, I never was a great disciplinarian. I don’t agree with corporal punishment, as my experience in witnessing it was then in later watching the child turn around and start using the same tactics with others. Clearly though with my own child, reasoning was not working at this point and despite the rewards and penalties system I used with my son, she was not rallying. She just did not care enough about the rewards. I was beside myself.

Sandy listened patiently and then she whipped out a book and in it showed me one little line, “This is what you are missing,” she said. I looked at this one little line and thought, “really?” I wasn’t quite sure. I had to see it for myself.

Basically what this one little line said was that without affinity, no “ethics presence” is possible. I read up more on this and saw a reference that explained further that without affinity, there can be no control. OK – this was definitely something I needed to play around with to see for myself. Frankly, at that point I was so angry with my daughter I really didn’t feel like rewarding her with “play time” with mom. And in truth my daughter was so angry with me I didn’t think she wanted to spend time with me. I was convinced that when she did spend time with me she would deliberately sabotage the moments to goad me into an argument.

But you know, the author of this reference was someone I had always found to be trustworthy. His research when I had tried it in the past always panned out, it always worked. I’d never seen it otherwise in 30 years. So OK, I decided to get over myself and to try it. Sandy was a big help. She coached me on it. In doing this, I was able to spot the ways I was at cause in triggering or escalating the upsets between my daughter and I…

That night I went home and decided to get a fun movie of my daughter’s choice to watch. At first she picked a movie I hated. So instead of being angry I did as we had drilled and coaxed her to pick something we both would like but something she really wanted to see. OK, yes she whined at first, but I kept my emotional tone in “interest” (this took a little work on my part I admit), but I did this and surprisingly to me, she calmed down and found something fun for both of us. We were off to a good start. During the movie she would talk through the movie, stop it and rewind a particular scene about 3 times. Did it make me crazy? Well yeah it did, but I reminded myself that the point was not watching the movie. The point was to raise the affinity between us. So I got less interested in the movie and more interested in my daughter. When she talked through the movie I listened to her instead of shhhhing her. When she stopped and rewinded the scenes I asked her what about the scene didn’t she get or did she like so much? In other words, as I had been coached, I shifted my attention to her and not to the movie, towards my goal of increasing affinity with her. The results: she had a great night with mom and when I asked her to go to bed on time, without an argument she went! She did – no argument! She just said, “OK” and went! It had worked! Honestly, I have to tell you I was totally prepared to have to return to Sandy to report it hadn’t worked. I was convinced that even if it had worked with hundreds of other people I would be the one person it would not work with because my situation was “so bad”. I can’t begin to tell you how excited and happy I was to be so wrong.

Sandy said, “I knew it! Now make sure the both of you are eating enough protein and getting enough sleep so you are both at your best.”

Now, that I have that under my belt, it is one of the key references I use with parents in handling their situations with their children.

There are several specific technical references on this and all can be found through Mace-Kingsley Family Center. All of them are very simple to understand and use… using them is the key!

At Mace-Kingsley we have very highly trained and experienced parent consultants to work with you and to help you drill your particular situation to ensure you get the best results. After all, happy families results in happy people, happy people results in a happier world. At Mace-Kingsley Family Center we are all about a happier world! We welcome your communication. Contact us any time at 727-442-3922 or [email protected].

Even More on Gaining Control

Posted on June 24, 2012 by wilson-admin-main

Today I want to share something I learned from Carol Kingsley more than twenty years ago. To give you a little more background on this subject, I am going to tell you that I grew up in a very Italian family. By nature, Italians tend to be very loving, emotional people. While that is a generality, by my observation I’d have to say that is mostly true. In my family it was not uncommon to see within a half-hour period my mother sternly asking me to get a chore done, yelling at my laziness, then kissing me and praising me for my accomplishment, then yelling again at my sister, then hugging her and sitting her down to quietly teach her something, then more yelling (I’m not really sure why)…, etc, etc. etc. There is just a lot of emotion in my family and we are definitely loud in our praise and in our disappointments. This is the background I came from and the example I had.

So when my son was little and when his friends were around, if it got loud I got louder. I seldom managed to get control in. I decided, “I am just better with older kids and teens,” and left it at that.

Then one day Carol Kingsley did a special seminar for the children in my area. I had heard about Carol and her successes with children, so I thought, “I really want my son to attend this lecture.” He was six years old.

I had time on my hands and so I stayed to listen to the lecture myself in case I could learn something, and learn something I did. As the children became more loud and animated Carol became more calm and quiet until she was almost whispering. Immediately the children quieted down and I could see that it became easier for her to maintain order. To be honest, when watching it I couldn’t quite see what it was she did that actually caused them to quiet down. I just saw them become calmer and listen to her. So when the lecture was over, I just had to find out what it was she did exactly. I made it a point to go over to talk to her.

Carol is very approachable and was happy to spend a minute or two with me to answer my questions. She obviously cared. I explained the trouble I had in this area and how I had seen her gain control so easily and asked her how she did that. She asked me, “What did you observe?” I told her exactly what I wrote above. Then she answered, “That is how I did it.” I was confused; I still didn’t recognize it. So she patiently explained to me that the louder and wilder children get, the calmer and quieter you become. If you are talking low they stop what they are doing to listen more carefully, they are interested because they are curious as to what you are saying. So they calm and quiet down to listen. If you then use good communication that is full of affinity, care and love with no doubt that your requests will be complied with, they will follow through. If you are willing to handle any objections- again with good communication, acknowledging their communications and objections to you, then all will go exactly the way you intend it to go.

The idea that I could get compliance without yelling was a little unreal to me. Honestly I was still convinced it was just a “Carol” thing; like she had some hidden technology or magic that I did not have. But I promised I would try it, so I did. Now I have to tell you, how a person gets something to work when one is so convinced it won’t is a mystery to me, but work it did. The next time my son and his friends were “out of control”, I came into the room and calmly talked very low. Immediately they stopped their very wild playing to listen to me. I handed them something else to do and gave them all a snack. Order was regained and the children had more fun in their play. I was shocked! Surely it was a fluke. I tried it again and again and each time it worked.

Now do I always remember to use that? Well, I’m sure my daughter will be the first to tell you I am still very “Italian” in my approach to parenting, but then I will remember to use it eventually. Professionally I always use it with great success.

Since that time I have become much more educated in the exact technology Carol uses to handle children and adults. I have found that there are no hidden secrets or magic really. She just had access to a very workable technology. You too have access to this technology if you just ask. For more information about this or for help with your family situations do contact Mace-Kingsley Family Center at 727-442-3922 or [email protected].

Wishing you miracles,

Diane DiGregorio Norgard

Mace-Kingsley Family Center

Top Field Auditor – Sandy Mesmer

Posted on June 20, 2012 by wilson-admin-main

Captain Flag Land Base Harvey Jacques’ introduction of Sandy Mesmer at Auditor’s Day:

“Our first award tonight goes to the top Field Auditor.

“She is one of the highest-producing auditors at the Mace-Kingsley Field Group– which has been successfully helping our younger generations of Scientologists get onto and up The Bridge for the past 30 years.

“This auditor is a New OT 8, and a Golden Age of Tech Permanent Class 4 auditor.

“In addition to the thousand or so Well Done Auditing Hours she delivers each and every year in the three languages she speaks: English, German and French, she also delivers lectures around the world having recently lectured in Australia, England, Germany and France.

“She has helped countless families—Scientologists and non-Scientologists alike – by handling young children, as well as the rest of the family, achieve their own ideal scenes.

“She has been known to audit children as young as just a few days old, as well as their grandparents– and everyone in between.

“So, please welcome, this year’s top local Field Auditor, Sandy Mesmer!”

Literalness

Posted on June 12, 2012 by wilson-admin-main

Today I would like to write about something that, while it’s the basis of a lot of comedy, is also the distress of a lot of adults/parents. It is something that comes up frequently. It is the need for awareness and understanding of how confusing the English language is, especially for a young child.

As adults we talk around our children all the time, we assume that to a great degree they will “get” what we are saying to them (or around them) based on the context of what we are saying, our facial expressions, and the intonation of our voices. But in fact, the majority of the words in the English language have many different definitions. Then there are idioms and phrases and colloquialisms that make communication a truly tricky business. In fact I have often wondered if the only reason we truly understand anyone is a matter more of telepathy than the words sent and received.

For children this presents a particular problem. Children often tend to listen and take communication literally. Parents not understanding this often mistake the child’s confusions for non-compliance, disobedience, lack of caring and disrespect.

Let me give you some graphic examples of this:

Many years ago a friend of mine had a 6 yr old son who was often sent to the principal’s office for behavioral problems. The parents finally found the source of the problem and got this corrected. However, after his many chats with the principal the young boy felt he had found a friend and would sometimes go to his friend’s office to chat. The principal usually allowed this as he had become fond of the boy. Then one day after 7 months of good behavior the boy’s parents got called into the school as the boy was throwing a tantrum and causing a ruckus. To make this story shorter, I will cut to the chase here.

The boy’s upset turned out to be that on this particular day when he went to visit his friend, the principal looked up from his paperwork and said, “I can’t see you now,” and sent the boy on his way.

After much discussion and string pulling the boy blurted out, “But he was lying! He said he could not see me and he was looking right at me!”

Another source of concern for some parents is a child who wets. On one particular occasion I checked for all the normal things: Does the child have difficulty getting his/her pants down in time? Is the potty in question too tall or scary in some way? Does the flushing frighten the child? Can the child find the bathroom easily? Can the child turn the light on easily? Has the child been trained to wipe properly etc. In cases of potty difficulties it can be any or all of these. But in some cases (especially girls and women) there is an issue with muscle control. So my question was: “What happens when you have to go to the bathroom and you ask to go?” And the child’s answer was that most times she was allowed to go but sometimes she is asked to hold it. So I asked what did that mean and the answer very sweetly was, “I don’t know.”

In this case I explained to her there was an exercise she could do and that I would get her mom to help her with it. The mom was called and told about a well-known exercise that women are often referred to in order to help strengthen a weak muscle that can cause leakage.

In each of the cases above you can see it was the literalness of the language that was causing confusion for the child, but the adults didn’t catch it. They became upset, sometimes disciplined the child, much to the dismay of the child. So just on the off chance that things said around the child might not have been fully understood, here is my suggestion: when you say things to your child and they are blatantly not complying and this is becoming a source of trouble in your worlds, before you do anything else please stop a minute to have a conversation with your child. Find out their understanding of what you are asking them to do. If you are absolutely certain that they have a clear understanding of what you have asked, then fine – go to the next level of giving them more data, discipline, rewards and penalties, whatever is needed. However, if you find that there is an obvious misunderstanding or no understanding at all, of course patiently and honestly handle the confusion.

At Mace-Kingsley we are well trained in working with children and families. We are here to help you. If you find yourself beside yourself when dealing with your children (of any age), please do contact us at 727-442-3922.