Today I want to write about something that I have to consistently handle with adults and children alike even in my own family. It is something that I even have to remind myself of from time to time and totally give my family permission to remind me of as well. I bet any money you will recognize this one and relate to it. Hopefully you will find some relief from the information as well.

The subject is “good communication vs bad communication (which in fact is no communication). Here is a scenario for you: It is close to dinner time. You just arrived home from a long day, you still have to wait on dinner a bit. The kids are playing around and not doing their homework or chores. Their viewpoint is they had a long hard day at school and they want some down time! Your viewpoint: if homework/chores don’t get done when they first get home, later they are too tired. Besides didn’t they just have some play time the two hours in after school care before you picked them up?

You are tired, you are hungry and you tell the children to go do their homework/chores. You start out well enough but they start to “negotiate” with you in that whiny way children do when they are tired and hungry. And you drop down into antagonism or anger– use force rather than affinity and reality to get them to do what you want. You are communicating to them in a way you feel will get them to do what you want. Right? Or are you?

Here is another one: You are trying to make a point to your spouse. You have totally opposing viewpoints on what to do about a situation. You are tired and a little hungry and you start to argue. He or she starts to get louder and meaner sounding. You cut the communication off and what does the other one say? “I am trying to communicate to you and you are cutting my communication off!” Right? Have you had that happen?

OK, so let’s look at what is the problem in both those situations by looking at a very workable definition of good and bad communication.

First let’s look at bad or no communication:

On page nine of the “Components of Understanding” Booklet, L. Ron Hubbard says:

“There are several ways to block a communication line (the route along which a communication travels from one person to another). One is to cut it, another one is to make it so painful that the person receiving it will cut it, and another one is to put so much on it that it jams. Those are three very important things to know about a communication line.”

So now let’s exam the above scenarios against this information:

If you are threatening the children into doing their homework or chores then the things you are saying are so painful that they just will not receive it! I can’t tell you how many times I hear parents say, “he/she just doesn’t seem to hear a word I am saying!” I have even had the children say to me, “I asked and asked for____ but it was like my parents didn’t even hear me!” “Well show me how you asked?” is usually my next question.

Or here is one I’m guilty of: you lecture and lecture and lecture your child on the importance of something. You start to get upset as you see his/her eyes glaze over! There was too much communication on the line, it got jammed! So why are you getting upset with the child?

Or how about this one: both your children are playing and one gets upset, covers his/her ears and makes a loud noise so as not to hear the other. (He/she just cut that communication).

All of those are just some examples of bad or no communication. There is talk and yelling and words flying but they are not received or understood. No communication.

Now let’s look at what good communication is: (From the same above reference)

“…communication must be good communication: the necessary data sent in the necessary direction and received.”

Ah! So that would be the trick! How do we achieve that, when we are tired and hungry or angry? How can we view the other person’s point of view enough to see what they are not getting about our own viewpoint or our understanding of something?

Well this is what I am trying and it seems to be working pretty well most of the time:

First I had every member of the family understand what is good and bad communication. Then when disagreements occur the first thing we can do is just stop and recognize OMG! I just need to stop forcing my viewpoint on this person and either wait until I am not tired and hungry or angry and talk to them later. Or just remove all other distractions in an up beat manner and with interest in what the other person wants to do, acknowledging them fully, then place the homework or chore in front of them and ask them if they are OK to do it themselves or if they need help!

If I see their eyes glaze over I can force myself to just stop talking and see if they have already gotten my point, ask their understanding and ideas about it and just knock off the one way flow of communication to them.

But even better if I can practice and know to send the necessary information to the right person who should be receiving it and then ensure they did receive it in an interested manner, well that would be the ideal situation.

I know old habits and patterns and handlings handed down from parent to child (who is now the parent) can be difficult to break. And I know that when you are about to lose control, your way, or your desire one can in fact become angry. But all of us can keep it in mind and it is something the whole family can practice together and help each other with.

If there is a time when I start to lose my temper my teenage daughter now will stop talking about whatever was setting me off (instead of continuing) and say, “Let’s eat first.” “Or let’s get some sleep and talk about it in the morning.” And then when she brings it back up she will have thought it through and will give me the necessary data I need to make a decision. Does she always get her way? No, but she does way more often than not and certainly more often than she did before. Knowing this data gave her a tool to help us both work our way to good communication.

I just know that when we do apply this information we both end up being way happier and somehow we both end up getting what we want. So I am passing this magic on and sharing it with you! I hope that it helps you as much as it has my family and the families I’ve worked with.

For more helpful information like this you can contact Mace-Kingsley Family Center at www.macekingsley.com or 727-442-3922 and ask to be on their mailing list.

Wishing you daily joy,
Diane DiGregorio Norgard
Mace-Kingsley Family Center
727-442-3922

Let’s say you have handled the sleep issue but you are still experiencing tantrums at home. So now let’s look at the next most basic cause of this situation: diet.

The next thing I find most “out” that is also the most unknown has to do with diet.
Most people I work with have an idea of what a “balanced diet” is. I also know that with the hectic pace of our modern, busy lives and the temptations of packaged foods, what appears to be a “balanced diet” often is not so.

Let me explain further: Besides the fact that most canned and packaged foods are loaded with preservatives and chemicals, they are often “enhanced” flavor-wise with High Fructose Corn Syrup, fructose, dextrose, glucose, aspartame, sucrolose and other sweeteners. The only sweeter I know of that does not raise the glycemic (blood sugar) index at all is Stevia extract. Agave syrup is another sweetener that is notable in that its glycemic index and gycemic load is not very high. The syrup naturally contains quantities of iron, calcium, potassium & magnesium which contribute to the resulting color.

Otherwise all other sweeteners raise the blood sugar levels rapidly causing a flood of insulin to be dumped into the body, frequently more than is needed. The result is an immediate peak of energy (sometimes appearing to be hyper-activity) and about 45 minutes to an hour later, there is a dramatic drop in blood sugar which can make a person feel bad and act cranky!

The next and most important factor of diet has to do with the amount of protein a human body needs to grow, build, rebuild and heal. We have a tendency to go through our day and if we eat some eggs in the morning, a burger mid day and some form of meat during our dinner, we are good to go. Some prefer to ”cover” their need for protein with milk and cheese and assume they have eaten enough. However, if you or your child is eating a sugary cereal, pop tart, toaster strudel, pancake etc. for breakfast and fries and carbs at lunch, followed by spaghetti at dinner, then there is a problem.

Once again, the exact amounts of how much protein is actually needed and how to figure out how to get the sufficient amount is known to very few people. A friend of mine pointed that out to me when I was having a little trouble with my daughter. He passed some information to me which I will share with you now. This data I am providing came from the “About.com” site on the Internet but you can search for Protein Daily Requirements to do your own research. Here is the abbreviated data below:

How to Calculate Your Protein Needs:

1. a. Weight in pounds divided by 2.2 = weight in kg
b. Weight in kg x 0.8-1.8 gm/kg = protein gm.

2. Use a lower number if you are in good health and are sedentary. Use a higher number (between 1 and 1.8) if you are under stress, are pregnant, are recovering from an illness, or if you are involved in consistent and intense weight or endurance training.

Example: 154 lb male who is a regular exerciser and lifts weights
154 lbs/2.2 = 70kg
70kg x 1.5 = 105 gm protein/day

Now how would you figure out if you were getting this amount? You would have to read the package for how many grams of protein per serving there are in the item you are eating, multiply that by the number of servings and there you have it. Also there are articles and books that have this data for foods like an egg or for so many ounces of fish or meat, etc. Just keep track through the day. Of course keep in mind that red meat and eggs are the only two sources of B12 therefore if you do not eat red meat or at least one egg a day you need to supplement this vitamin.

The reason I am bringing this up is that most children and teens coming to me often are eating all kinds of things and few know the exact amount of protein they are getting. When I get them or their parents to list out what they eat in a day, I find they are eating a lot of carbs, sweeteners, some protein and some dairy. When we add up the amount of protein, it is often not enough for their growing bodies.

To give you a more graphic idea, one brand of cereal (not too sugary) that I looked at had 8 grams of sugar but only 2 grams of protein per serving. A 25 oz serving of Macaroni & Cheese had 6 grams of sugar and 9 grams of protein. A serving of chicken nuggets (4 nuggets) had no sugar and 14 grams of protein. That’s not bad since most kids I know eat eight or more nuggets. A cup of spinach has 1 gram of sugar and 2 grams of protein. Green beans (1 cup) have 1 gram of sugar and 2 grams of protein. One package of Oatmeal (pre-prepared with sugar) had 14 grams of sugar to 4 grams of protein.

There is more data on why protein is so important to keeping a stable, happier emotional tone that you can request here, or by emailing us at [email protected]. I encourage you to request this data.

By ensuring your child’s body is getting all the necessary requirements needed to keep it energized and growing well, you are thereby ensuring that their body will not be nagging at them, making them feel uncomfortable and irritable, resulting in tantrums.

Wishing you joy with your family,
Diane DiGregorio Norgard
Mace-Kingsley Family Center
727-442-3922