Today I want to write about something a lot of us struggle with. I bet you are thinking that after all the articles I’ve written, this is going to be something about observing things and looking into things — you know what this article is going to be about. Well… yes, that is definitely part of knowing, but there is something much more when it comes to control and discipline regarding knowing.
When you know something, there is no doubt, no decision, no worry. If you know something is white and other people are telling you it is black or even that it’s gray, but you know without a doubt that this thing is white, then anyone could say anything, but you just know it. You don’t worry about your sanity or if you are wrong or maybe you should say it’s black to make people happy. You can simply acknowledge what the person is saying and then remain steady and firm in your knowledge. You don’t waiver.
Now I am going to give you a graphic example of this:
One day I went for a guitar lesson. When the lesson was over, my teacher had to leave before me. His wife, a friend of mine was home working. She is an artist that works at home sculpting the most incredibly beautiful fairies. As I was packing up my guitar I started talking to her. She was busy, and while she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, she was in need of getting back to work. But she didn’t ask me to leave; she recognized I was in need of some affinity and communication at that moment. So she talked to me for a little bit. After a short while, she stood up and started walking. Of course I walked beside her; she acted as if my walking toward the door was totally and completely my idea. She wasn’t brushing me off or distracted from our conversation in any way. She was totally there with me. Then she said, “Oh I’ll help you,” picked up my guitar as we walked to my car. I got in, said goodbye and felt great. And it wasn’t until I was almost five miles down the road that I realized what had happened and how well she had controlled the situation.
That was the best graphic example of being totally calm and knowing, therefore using control. She was in complete affinity with me and talking with the same reality as me when we communicated. There was no force, because there was no doubt that I would walk to my car and drive home happy.
So how does this translate to control and discipline? Well, if you tell your child to go to bed now, and in your own mind you have complete knowing that they are in bed on time – you see it as if it happened already, then if they counter-intend that command by ignoring you or doing something different, you wouldn’t have to get annoyed or angry or anything — if you know they are in bed on time. Despite their railing you would continue to communicate to them with affinity as you walked them to bed and put them in. Your confidence and certainty would just be greater than any of their confusions or upsets.
I know that until you try it, that you will think this is an impossible thing to apply when your child is defying you about getting to bed, or getting off of the computer or putting that object down in the store, or accepting the fact that they are not going driving with their friends. The first thing that has to happen is to remember to use it; to know that you can know and do know, and then not to drop into anger at the first defiance. I mean think about it – how many times have you told your child to go to bed, they say no, you get firm, they say no louder, you get angry, they dig their heals in and get angry back etc, etc, etc but in the end they end up in bed? They do. All that drama and finally in the end, they go.
Now what if you, rather than getting upset (and knowing that they are going), just talk to them? As you are talking, walking, maybe helping a little bit, intend for them to be in bed. Calmly and with affinity they follow and then the next thing you know, they are in bed.
I know you are saying in your head, “Oh My Word! She has totally lost it! Sometimes I’ve seen her get upset with her daughter.” Yeah, I admit it; I have to practice this as well. Like I said, it starts with knowing it and remembering to use it. When I have, it worked every time. At work I automatically just use it, at home I have to sometimes get over myself and remember to use it. And maybe with you it will be the same. But just try it, practice it and then yes, observe for yourself whether or not it works for you.
For access to the exact information and drills to achieve the results you intend call Mace-Kingsley Family Center at 727-442-3922.